Llanview!
by S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Summary: Mary Katherine Gallagher, from "Saturday Night Live," goes to Llanview.


Llanview!  
  
Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster   
  
Opening monologue - Saint Andrew's Academy [afternoon]   
  
Mary Katherine Gallagher: All was quiet in the halls of the academy on the day of Friday the thirteenth. Sister Mary Martha taught class in the class next to mine. I don't like her. She has this big wart in the middle of her face. That's not the only reason I dislike her. She thinks that everything is evil--especially what I love most of all--soap operas. It all happened this morning during one of her boring geography lectures. I sat at my desk and my mind wandered. I wondered what it would be like to live in my favorite soap. Which soap is my favorite, you ask? Well, that's easy---One Life To Live. I have always loved and admired, the great Erika Slesak. I thought of her as the mother I never had. She's so loving and nurturing to her children, but when her other personalities came screaming out of her, she was a lot of fun to watch. I remember when they introduced her brother, Todd Manning. It was love at first site. I ran home everyday from school, but first I had to stop by a tree and pretend it was him. Oh, he kissed so good. Well, I went somewhere in my dream. Not an out of body experience, but a real place called Llanview.   
  
Scene one - Angel Square   
  
Mary Katherine: It's just how I imagined it. Oh, the DK Diner! Carlotta will be there. Maybe I'll see Tea, too. [entered]   
  
She didn't see anyone she knew in there, so she turned around and bumped into Jen Rappaport.   
  
Jen Rappaport: Shouldn't you watch where you're going? I could have been carrying something hot.   
  
Mary Katherine: I'm sorr--wait a minute. You're Jen Rappaport.   
  
Jen: How do you know me?   
  
Mary Katherine: I see you every day. You're a real bitch. I hate what you're doing to Cristian and Natalie. You're horrible!   
  
Jen: Hey, shut up. You don't know anything about me.   
  
Mary Katherine: I know that you slept with Al Holden--twice.   
  
Jen: Are you a stalker?   
  
Mary Katherine: No, just call me a Natalie and Cristian---SUPERFAN!!! [does a cheer pose]   
  
Jen: Just stay the hell away from me and Cristian, okay?   
  
Mary Katherine: You're so cold. You're just like your mother.   
  
Jen: You're going to be sorry. [walks away]   
  
Mary Katherine: You're horrible! [looks around] I better go before I run into more trouble.   
  
She made her way to the Break Bar and went inside.   
  
Mary Katherine: Oh, wow. [sees Max tending bar] Oh, my---he's better looking in person. [to Max] Hello.   
  
Max: What can I get you?   
  
Before she could say anything, Roxy came in and ran to Max.   
  
Roxy: Hey there, Maximillian.   
  
Max: Can't you stay away from me, Roxy?   
  
Roxy: You're my hubby.   
  
Mary Katherine: Only because you tricked him into marrying you.   
  
Roxy: It was no trick.   
  
Max: It was more like a nightmare.   
  
Roxy: Is that what you call our marriage?   
  
Mary Katherine: My grandmother loved you on Ryan's Hope.   
  
Roxy: Huh? Mary Katherine Gallagher got distracted for a moment when she saw the man of her dreams walk through the door.   
  
Mary Katherine: Todd.   
  
Roxy: Hey!   
  
Mary Katherine: Oh.   
  
Roxy: I don't know no one named Ryan.   
  
Mary Katherine: [trance-like] That's nice.   
  
Roxy: Do you hear me?   
  
Max: Give it up, Roxeanne. Nobody listens to a word you say.   
  
She walked over to Todd who was in the middle of talking to Chad and stood next to him.   
  
Todd: I want you to stay away from my wife.   
  
Chad: She's not your wife anymore.   
  
Todd: You just keep away from her. [sees her] What?   
  
Mary Katherine: Hi, Todd.   
  
Todd: Who are you?   
  
Mary Katherine: My name is Mary Katherine Gallagher and I think you are the most amazing man EVER.   
  
Todd: Good for you.   
  
Mary Katherine: [voice over] I didn't tell him that I dreamed about him every moment I had and that I wrote 'Mary Katherine Manning' on every one of my notebooks. I even kiss his picture before going to bed each night. Oh, how I love you, Todd Manning.   
  
Todd: Why are you staring at me? You have a little drool coming out the side of your mouth.   
  
Mary Katherine: Oh. [wipes it and giggles] Uh, have you seen Blair?   
  
Todd: Yeah. She was shipped off to the swiss looney bin.   
  
Mary Katherine: That's right. I missed that day because of Sister Margarita's spanish test.   
  
Todd: Listen, you're talking pretty looney yourself--   
  
Mary Katherine: Do you like trees?   
  
Todd: Did you escape from Saint Ann's?   
  
Mary Katherine: [voice over] I'm standing here talking to Todd Manning. I bet he kisses better than that old tree. If I don't kiss him now, I might just regret it my entire life. [grabs his face and kisses him and tilts him to the floor]   
  
Todd: [taking her hands off his face and stepping back] Are you crazy?   
  
Mary Katherine: About you? Oh, yes.   
  
Todd: You are just as looney as everyone else in this town. [notices her putting her hands under her arms] What are you doing?   
  
Mary Katherine: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like this. [smells her fingers]   
  
Todd: Okay, you're more nuts than I thought.   
  
Mary Katherine: It's very nasty.   
  
Todd: Well, you should join Blair in the looney bin. Uh, I have to go.   
  
Mary Katherine: See you around.   
  
Todd: Not if I can help it. [leaves]   
  
Mary Katherine: [voice over] Right then and there, I wanted to forget about becoming a nun and become a 'super soap star.' First, I had to find a way to fit in this town and I knew just where to go. The watering hole, also known as, The Palace.   
  
Scene two - The Palace   
  
Mary Katherine Gallagher went in there and was amazed by the people she saw there.   
  
Mary Katherine: Hi, my name is Mary Katherine Gallagher and I would like a table near her. [points to Gabrielle]   
  
Renee: Oh. You a friend of hers?   
  
Mary Katherine: I've known her for, let's see...I'm seventeen now, and I watched her when I was four and a half...I've known Gabrielle for thirteen years.   
  
Renee: [nods] Oh. This way. [takes her to the table] Are you ready to order?   
  
Mary Katherine: Okay...[enthusiastic] I want this... [points to an item on the menu] and a glass of water. [Renee leaves; voice over ] Looking at her, all I could think was that she was even more gorgeous in person. I didn't see Bo anywhere, so I figured he was still at work. Now there was one question spinning around in my head and that was, 'how on earth can I get her to notice me and perhaps invite me to her table?' Hmm. I could ask to borrow salt...yeah.   
  
She walked over to Gabrielle's table and ended up tripping on a chair leg and landing flat on her face.   
  
Gabrielle: Are you alright?   
  
Mary Katherine: Yeah, um, I'm used to it. [gets up and fixes her uniform] Hello. [extends her hand and Gabs takes it] My name is Mary Katherine Gallagher and I just think you're the best.   
  
Gabrielle: [smiling] Well, thank you. You read the style section of 'The Banner?'   
  
Mary Katherine: [remembering a July episode] I love the new format.   
  
Gabrielle: Well, pull up a chair.   
  
Mary Katherine: You know, I was really into you and Max when I was little, but now you're with Bo and you two are super. [gets up and does another cheer pose] Supercouple!!! [people stare]   
  
Gabrielle: Alright, you can sit now.   
  
Mary Katherine: I'm so happy to be sitting here with you--I--my happiness can be best expressed through a touching scene from the September 12th [2002] episode of 'One Life To Live.' [gets up] "Do you know how much my son has sacrificed for my sake? From the day i came out of prison till the day that Asa walked back into our lives, Al worked two jobs to keep us off the street because we lived in one room. And because nobody would hire his ex-con mother, not even to clean the filthy floors. Did he ever complain? No, not once. I don't know how he got through it without despising the very thought of me, but he didn't. He was a better son. I was worried that he was going to fall behind in his schoolwork, but he studied very hard. I don't know when he found time to do it. And you know those earlier years, when I was in prison and he was a little boy -- he would come to visit me and he hated it -- the stench more than anything. So he would bring a fistful of wildflowers so that it would smell nice for me. And the other inmates would tease him mercilessly, but, you know, he never stopped. I didn't have the -- the heart to tell him that they ripped them out of my hands as soon as I left the visiting room."   
  
Gabrielle: [baffled] Who are you?   
  
Mary Katherine: Mary Kather---   
  
Gabrielle: I know. You said that already. What I mean is, how do you know me? I wish you'd tell me because I'm getting a little frightened.   
  
Mary Katherine: I see you everyday.   
  
Gabrielle: Okay--please tell me you aren't in anyway involved with Mitch Laurence.   
  
Mary Katherine: No,no, Fiona--I mean, Gabrielle. He scares me.   
  
Gabrielle: [cell phone rings] Just a minute. [answers] Hello, darling.   
  
Bo: Hey, I'm at home and I need you here. I can't discuss it over the phone cause it's official police buisness.   
  
Gabrielle: Okay, I'll be right there. [hangs up phone] Well Mary, I have to go now. Nice meeting you.   
  
Mary Katherine: Before you go, there is something you should know.   
  
Gabrielle: What?   
  
Mary Katherine: Al was the father of Jen's baby.   
  
Gabrielle: How do you know this?   
  
Mary Katherine: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.   
  
Gabrielle: Maybe you're right, but something's telling me that to take a chance on you. You want a lift home?   
  
Mary Katherine: I guess I could stay at a motel or--wait, I have no money.   
  
Gabrielle: Well then, come with me. [they leave]   
  
Scene three - Bo and Gabrielle's Apartment   
  
Gabrielle: Sweetheart, this is Mary Katherine Gallagher and she will be staying in the guest room--if you don't mind.   
  
Bo: I don't mind. You could use the company until this whole Mitch thing is over with. [kisses her]   
  
Mary Katherine: Thank you.   
  
Bo: Uh, Gabrielle--I need to talk to you alone.   
  
Gabrielle: Mary, you can take your things right through there and straight through the bedroom. .   
  
Mary Katherine: Okay, t-thank you so much. [leaves]   
  
Bo: [looking into Gabrielle's eyes] Do you know how amazing you are?   
  
Gabrielle: [puts her arms around his neck] You've mentioned that a few times. [kiss]   
  
Bo: You're incredible.   
  
Gabrielle: I know. [smiles]   
  
Bo: And I love you.   
  
Gabrielle: [looks into his eyes adoringly] I love you.   
  
Mary Katherine Gallagher stood out in the hall and witnessed their loving embrass.   
  
Mary Katherine: [smiling;thinking to herself] This is just like watching them on tv. I wonder what Todd is doing right now. I hope he's not with that low life tramp, Blair. She doesn't love him. [phone rings]   
  
Gabrielle: Are you going to answer that? [kisses his neck]   
  
Bo: Well...   
  
Mary Katherine: [runs to the phone] I'll get it! You need your private time.   
  
Gabrielle: Thank you, sweetheart.   
  
Mary Katherine: Hello?   
  
Nora: Hi, um, this isn't Gabrielle...   
  
Mary Katherine: No, I don't have a british accent.   
  
Nora: Right, well, is Bo in?   
  
Mary Katherine: [looks at Bo and Gabrielle exchanging kisses] He's busy right now. Could I take a message?   
  
Nora: Well...you know what? I could stop by and let him sign these papers...   
  
Mary Katherine: NO!!!   
  
Nora: Ow! My ear.   
  
Mary Katherine: I'm sorry. Bo is about to, uh, score on a case and needs to be left alone. Bye. [hangs up the phone]   
  
Bo: [still kissing Gabrielle] Who was that?   
  
Mary Katherine: Just a noisy salesman.   
  
Bo: [still kissing] Don't take this the wrong way, but will you leave us alone? [hands her a wod of cash] Have fun.   
  
Mary Katherine: Sure. [takes money] I'll call before I come home.   
  
Gabrielle: [breathless] Thank you. Bye, sweety. [she leaves]   
  
Mary Katherine: [outside the door] I should give them a lot of time to themselves. Where could I go? [goes to put the money in her pocket and finds a folded piece of paper;gasps] It's my official "One Life To Live" Llanview map! Now, I can find Todd!   
  
Scene four - [Mary Katherine Gallagher's Bo and Gabrielle's dream sequence]   
  
Bo sat alone in the apartment waiting for Gabrielle to come home after working long hours at the Banner.   
  
Bo: I sure wish Gabrielle would come home.   
  
Out of the bedroom came Gabrielle in a jeanie outfit. She danced around the room and made him jump up with delight.   
  
Gabrielle: [seductively] I'm yours, master.   
  
Bo: I'd say you were a sight for sore eyes, but it's been over used.   
  
Gabrielle: What is your pleasure, master?   
  
Bo: [smiling] How about an uninterrupted evening?   
  
Gabrielle: Now that's a novel thought. [wraps her arms around his neck] Would you like to dance?   
  
Bo: There's no one else in this world I would want to dance with more than you.   
  
Gabrielle: That goes ditto for you. [bobs her head and music comes on]   
  
["Your Body Is A Wonderland" played]   
  
They danced very close and Gabrielle stroked the back of Bo's neck with her fingertips. She kissed his neck gently and blew softly in his ear. Bo held onto Gabrielle, as if trying to protect her from the rest of the world. She began unbuttoning his shirt and kissing him on the lips. He pulled her blouse over her head and unzipped the back of her skirt. Gabrielle leaned back and let him kiss her chest. He picked her up and carried her into the bedroom where he showered her with long soft kisses. The door closed and they made love for hours.   
  
Bo: You are so great, you know that?   
  
Gabrielle: You've told me that once or twice.   
  
Bo: I love you so much.   
  
Gabrielle: [happy sigh] I love you.   
  
They kiss and go under the covers.   
  
Scene five - The Sun  
  
Todd was sitting in his old chair and smiling. He turned his chair to the wall. Chad entered.  
  
Chad: Mrs. Manning? [silence] Mrs. Manning?  
  
Todd: [high voice] What do you want?  
  
Chad: Well you told me to come to you when ever I needed anything...  
  
Todd: [high voice] Yes?  
  
Chad: Well...it's your husband---  
  
Todd: [turning around in his chair; Todd music plays] What about him?  
  
Chad: [stunned] Mr. Manning...  
  
Todd: I thought I told you to stay the hell away from my wife.  
  
Chad: I--  
  
Todd: Get out--or am I supposed to show you out?  
  
Mary Katherine Gallagher stopped at the door and listened.  
  
Chad: Fine!  
  
He showed himself to the door where Mary Katherine had her ear tightly pressed against. He opened it and she fell on her face. When she looked up, the first person she saw was Todd.  
  
Mary Katherine: Hi.  
  
Todd: Why the hell are you here? I thought I told you to get lost.  
  
Mary Katherine: Our passion inside that is burning like a wild fire...  
  
Todd: Do the nuns know you're here?  
  
Mary Katherine: No.  
  
Todd: Well, pick yourself up and get back to that looney bin.  
  
He pushed her out the door, but she turned around, grabbed him and gave him a huge kiss. Todd tried to fight it, but the catholic girl was too much for him. She through him against the wall and broke free.  
  
Mary Katherine: [smiling] Bye! I love you! [she left]  
  
Todd: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Mary Katherine Gallagher skipped back to Bo and Gabrielle's apartment, seeing that her dream did come true. She walked into the apartment to see an assortment of clothes strung around the living room. The bedroom door opened and Bo came out tying his robe closed. He say Mary Katherine and jumped.  
  
Bo: I didn't know you were here.  
  
Mary Katherine: I just got here.  
  
Bo: [grinning] Do you want any coffee? Chinese food?  
  
Mary Katherine: No thanks. I think it's time for me to go home.  
  
Gabrielle left the bedroom and saw Mary Katherine Gallagher opening the door to leave.  
  
Gabrielle: Going so soon?  
  
Mary Katherine: Thank you for having me here, but it's time for me to go.  
  
Gabrielle: You're leaving us? Will you be coming back?  
  
Mary Katherine: You can count on that.  
  
They hugged and Mary Katherine closed the door, memorized the number on the apartment, and walked out of the place she could now call home. Her dream came true in this small town called Llanview. She met her favorite characters, made friends with the best couple on daytime, and kissed the man of her dreams.  
  
Sister Mary Jo: Mary Katherine Gallager...are you dreaming again?  
  
Mary Katherine: I-I-I...  
  
Sister Mary Jo: I thought so. Go to the principal's office, Mary Katherine.  
  
She got up, stumbled past students and went out of the class with a smile on her face. She lived her dream and had no regrets.  
  
The End 


End file.
